Mikey He Writes It

“Dad, I think they invented scary so we could become braver and stronger.”

Have you ever been scared?

I’ve been thinking about my sweet 7-year old son Chandler lately.

The past year or so, his general sense of fear has been heightened. Mostly he is afraid of the dark and afraid of being left alone. We have a 2-story home and often he won’t even want to go upstairs by himself, he always wants someone to come with him. At night time we leave a small lamp on so it isn’t completely dark.

Even still, several times a week, Chandler will wake up in the middle of the night feeling scared and come sleep in our bed. We’re usually half awake ourselves and don’t mind him snuggling for a bit, but after about 30 minutes to an hour, I’ll usually carry him back to his bed and he sleeps soundly the rest of the night. He just needs that cozy comforting feeling sleeping next to mom and dad, and he’s A-OK.

Chandler has always been very inquisitive and thoughful. He often shares what’s on his mind and articulates it very well for a 7-year old. I’ll share a recent experience with this in regards to feeling scared.

Conquering fears at Disneyland

Last week we all flew to California and visited Disneyland along with some family members from my wife’s family. It was a really fun opportunity for a lot of the cousins to spend time together in a magical place, which Disneyland assuredly is, especially for children who don’t have to fork out the money for it (it’s a little less magical for the parents who do…). I made sure to measure all of my children before we left because I wanted to know which rides they wouldn’t be able to do. Turns out they’re all over 48″ now, so they really could do any ride they wanted. Some of the biggest rides like the Incredicoaster or Space Mountain, I wasn’t sure my youngest kids, Jett and Chandler, would be up for. Which was fine, we weren’t going to force them. But we were hoping that having cousins to encourage them would braven them up if they were feeling nervous.

This didn’t always work. For example my 9-year old son Jett, who chose not to do the Guardians of the Galaxy ride (RIP Tower of Terror) at first with the rest of the cousins, was convinced after a cousin his age went on the ride. Jett mustered up the courage to go and… he absolutely hated it. He screamed and cried louder with every drop. There wasn’t much I could do but hold him and tell him it was going to be okay until it was over.

Chandler however surprised me. His favorite ride was the Incredicoaster. He also loved Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, and Thunder Mountain. This sweet 7-year old boy felt like he was conquering his fears by riding scary rides and just loving them. I don’t think I did those rides when I was 7.

Out of the mouth of babes

After our 2nd day when we had gone to California Adventures, we got back late and I was putting Chandler to bed around 9 or 9:30pm. We were talking about the day and his favorite rides and I was asking him if he was scared to do any of the rides. He said he was scared, but then started listing his favorite rides in order and talking about how much he loved them. I said goodnight and gave him a kiss, and turned to go say goodnight to his brother, and as I walked away he said to me:

“Dad, I think they invented scary so we could become braver and stronger.”

I turned back and told him that he was exactly right, and I told him how proud of him I was and kissed him again one more time before he quickly fell to sleep.

I wrote down what he said so I wouldn’t forget and shared it with my wife later that night.

It’s simple and sweet and true. I love the way he phrased it:

“I think they invented scary.”

Who’s they? He didn’t know, and it didn’t really matter. I knew he was learning that it’s okay to be scared, because of what happens after. I knew he was proud of himself for conquering his fears. He felt those internal feelings of bravery and strength within himself and was making the connection, in his 7-year old mind, that these feelings came after first feeling scared.

Since then, I’ve been thinking about the things I’m scared of. My fears. Where do they come from? And how do I follow my son’s example and become braver and stronger from them? What if I attempt to conquer my fears and, like my son Jett on the Guardians of the Galaxy ride, it becomes overwhelming for me?

I don’t necessarily have a good answer. I may not like to admit it, and I always like to put on a brave face, but there are quite a few things in life that terrify me.

And that’s ok. In fact, not to get too philosophical, but it’s how this life was designed. Becoming braver and stronger and conquering our fears is partially what this roller coaster of a life experience is all about.

Whoever invented scary, the jokes on them. Because little do they know they are doing us a favor. They are making us braver and stronger.

And if my 7-year old can do it, well, then so can I.

“To enlighten the hearts and minds of those within the sound of our voice to the filling of their souls with joy”

Music has always been a huge part of my life.

While I’m a fan of many different types of music, a cappella music in particular holds a very special place in my heart.

I’d spent much of my youth listening to a cappella music (Voicemale, Inside Out, Moosebutter). I would listen to some of my favorite songs from these groups and attempt to write out the sheet music with my older brother Brett so we could learn and perform them with our friends, which we did end up doing on several occasions. As I got to my last few years of high school, I became very involved in choir and musical theater performances and spent a lot of time with my friends Jared, Carter, Mason, and Cody, just to name a few. We would spend considerable time making up arrangements of songs and finding opportunities to perform.

After attending BYU for a few years I decided I would audition for BYU’s nine-man a cappella group: Vocal Point. I didn’t make it the first time I auditioned, but I tried again the following year and was lucky enough to get in! I was getting towards the end of my BYU education, so I knew my time wouldn’t be long with Vocal Point, but I was ecstatic about it nonetheless.

The brotherhood that forms from every year of a new Vocal Point group is amazing. This happens naturally of course purely out of a lot of time spent together doing something we all love. Throughout my first year with Vocal Point, we not only put on a lot of shows, but we also participated in ICCA’s (International Championship of Collegiate Acappella) which brought us to the finals in New York where we placed 2nd overall. We then went to Nauvoo during the summer to perform for a few weeks (a yearly Vocal Point tradition at the time). So we’d already spent a lot of time together.

While touring in Nauvoo, a unique opportunity arose for Vocal Point to be a part of NBC’s 3rd season of their a cappella competition TV show, “The Sing-Off.” Similar to “The Voice” or “American Idol” but all a cappella. We sent in an audition tape and were selected as one of 16 groups to perform that season. I was so excited. I didn’t fully understand what this all meant. Originally I thought it would be a great summer vacation in California! I’d get to be on TV with Vocal Point and perform, and in our spare time see some fun sights, go to the beach, maybe even visit Disneyland!

Nope.

What it actually meant was living together with my Vocal Point brothers in the Double Tree hotel in LA for several months towards the end of the summer and on into the fall semester. We were basically prisoners, shuttled from the hotel to the studio with occasional stops in between for food, and that was it. When school started in the fall, we were flown back and forth from LA to Salt Lake as we were still filming episodes of the show. This not only meant that we spent even MORE time together as Vocal Point (driving each other crazy occasionally), but we also spent an enormous amount of time with all of the other competing groups.

It definitely wasn’t a vacation, but it was a blast!

From rehearsals for opening numbers, to sharing vans commuting, goofing off backstage at the studio and hanging out after hours at the hotel, as the weeks passed we all became friends as a Sing-Off acapella community. To this day there is a Sing-Off Season 3 Facebook group where I get to see occasionally what everyone is up to and maintain contact. Yes we were competing against each other, but the atmosphere was always positive, kind, encouraging and loving between all the groups. In fact I remember when we first got there, Deke Sharon, the show’s musical producer, emphasized this by saying: “When people turn on the TV at home and come across The Sing-Off, you want them to stop and watch. They’re only going to do that if they like what they hear and see. Then they’ll listen to you when it’s your turn! If they don’t like it, or a group doesn’t sound good, they’ll change the channel and never listen to you!”

It was in the show’s best interest to make sure everyone sounded their absolute best and performed well. Every week we had choreographers and music producers making the rounds between all the groups in the hotel to assist in making this happen. And all of them were amazing to work with. Even the judges of the show, Ben Folds, Sara Bareilles and Shawn Stockman, generally gave positive and valuable feedback after each number. If there were critiques, they were handled with care and always followed up with something positive. There were no put downs, insults, or any negative drama from anyone in the show.

When groups started to get eliminated and sent home, this was a genuinely sad experience for everyone and every week a tradition started of getting together for a send off and saying goodbye. This meant hanging out at the hotel, laughing, performing songs for each other, etc.

The most memorable performance ever for me was the night Vocal Point got eliminated. Not the televised performance (although that was definitely memorable), but the send off performance back at the hotel afterwards with the remaining groups. We all ended up on the large balcony of the hotel, and Vocal Point put on a show. We threw everything we had at them. From fun and silly songs in our repertoire like 12 Days of Christmas, to more spiritual stuff like Nearer My God To Thee, Savior Redeemer, and Infant Holy Infant Lowly. They had seen us perform our assigned songs from The Sing-Off producers, but it was a special and powerful experience to share with these remaining groups what Vocal Point was really all about. It’s hard to put into words the feeling in the air from that night. The remaining performing groups with us (Afro Blue, Urban Method, Dartmouth Aires, and Pentatonix), all of them incredibly talented performers and singers, and they all gathered around and cheered us on as we sang our real swan songs. It was sad to be leaving and likely not see any of them again, but I wouldn’t trade that night for anything.

This past summer I was able to participate in BYU Vocal Point’s 30th Anniversary Reunion show at the Salt Lake City Tabernacle. I was able to reunite with most of my Vocal Point brothers from my year as well as those that came before and after me to Vocal Point. We rehearsed intensely for a few days and put on a fun performance, but more than anything I loved seeing and spending time with these wonderful men. The positive and happy atmosphere was infectious and an amazing spirit was among us.

We all vary in backgrounds, careers, personalities, and changing physical appearance, but we all unite in music and performing together. There is nothing greater than a group of loving people doing what they love together.

Vocal Point’s mission statement is “To enlighten the hearts and minds of those within the sound of our voice to the filling of their souls with joy.” Joy is why we do what we do. Whether on a hotel balcony with my Sing-Off family or at a reunion with my Vocal Point brothers, soul-filling joy was overflowing.

To enlighten the hearts and minds of those within the sound of our voice to the filling of their souls with joy.

Also, you can watch “Vocal Point: 30th Anniversary Concert” that was just released today on BYUtv.

The intense service rendered in the name of family is the water and sunlight for a seed, the sweat and soreness for strength, and the matches and lighter fluid for a raging bonfire.

What brings you fulfillment in life?

While there are many things that bring me fulfillment, there is none more impactful than family. And nothing even comes close.

My family and I recently visited the island of O’ahu. While there, we visited the Polynesian Cultural Center, a truly incredible experience for anyone who has never been. One thing that stood out to me was that throughout the day, the staff members and performers who work there do not address you as “brother,” or “sister” (common vernacular used in a church-affiliated organization), or even “sir” or “ma’am.” They address you as “family.”

I thought at first they just meant MY family that was with me (my wife, kids, and parents). But even in larger groups, they address everyone as “family.” And I realized it’s because they consider you part of their family. All of us as one big family.

For anyone who has spent a lot of time around Polynesian culture, it doesn’t take long to notice just how family-centered this wonderful culture is. Everything revolves around family. And it is powerful, purposeful, and profound.

It’s had me thinking a lot lately about my family. And while there are many “families” in my life (extended family, church family, work family, alumni group families, etc), I want to focus on the 3 that have brought me the most fulfillment in my life: family of origin, family I married into, and my own family.

Family of Origin- Fulfillment in Learning

My family of origin is the family I was born into and grew up in. It consisted of two loving parents, five boys and three girls. I am number five of eight children. Eight children… I’m going nuts enough with three of my own children. I have no idea how my parents managed to raise eight.

My family of origin has had tremendous impact on who I am as a person. These are people that with the exception of school and friends, I spent nearly 100% of my time with! And even then, since I was right smack dab in the middle of my family I always had siblings above and below me in school and friend groups as well. When you spend that much time around the same group of people, whether you like it or not, they have a profound impact on you. And with that impact comes fulfillment.

Now when I say fulfillment, I’m not necessarily talking about pleasure. I certainly don’t mean to suggest that everything was happy and wonderful and unicorns and rainbows. There’s nothing fulfilling about that. Fulfillment sometimes comes from making mistakes and learning hard lessons. It comes from stealing your brother’s awesome tear-away pants and wearing them to school to show off to your friends, only to get caught by your brother later and get home from school before him, put them back in his drawer, deny ever wearing them and convince him he must have been seeing things and spend the next few years bickering and fighting over whose clothes belong to whom. And then loving and playing with your brother anyways. Brett, if you’re reading this, after you left on your mission and explicitly told me not to wear any of your clothes you boxed up, well… 😁

There is a lot of learning that happens in your family of origin. Not just the natural learning that comes with growing up like how to walk, talk, read, write, etc, but also learning how to interact with all these people around you all the time.

But even though there was a lot of negative, some serious and some not so serious, the positive impact of learning how to love, care, forgive, laugh, and spend quality time together, vastly outweighs the negative. Fulfillment, negative and positive. Fulfillment that comes from learning.

Family I Married Into- Fulfillment in Relationships

Before my wife Amanda and ever I started dating back in college, I had a unique opportunity to meet a lot of Amanda’s family. I met Amanda’s sister Megan first, one of the most kind and loving people in existence. Amanda and I were just friends for a while, so I was nobody special, but Megan treated me like I was.

A few months later there was an opportunity to spend some additional time with Amanda in the form of offering to drive her and Megan from Provo to Centerville Utah to attend a cousins mission homecoming. Little did I realize just how amazing Amanda’s extended family was. I wasn’t even the “boyfriend” yet, but everyone treated me like I was already part of the family. I met a lot of her aunts and uncles and cousins and I’ll never forget the feelings of peace and happiness when I was with them. I could tell immediately that this family had a uniquely strong bond, and I wanted to be a part of it.

As time went on and I eventually became the boyfriend, then the fiánce, then the husband, of course I met all of the Dance (Amanda’s maiden name) family. Amanda’s parents have always treated me like their son (I even call them mom and dad) and Amanda’s brothers and sisters and their spouses are like brothers and sisters to me. I truly lucked out not just in the woman I married, but her family as well.

For the past 15 years I have found profound fulfillment in cultivating my relationships with the family I married into. I’ve watched as each family has grown in size, moved multiple times, changed jobs, graduated college, started businesses, struggled with illness, hurt, and sadness, and overcome these struggles with strength, power, and courage. I’ve had a front row seat to the highs and lows that life has brought to each family, and I’ve been able to spend time with, talk, laugh, cry, learn, grow, and strengthen each relationship all along the way. And it’s in these relationships I have found tremendous fulfillment.

My Own Family- Fulfillment in Love

Growing a family of your own is a never-ending fulfilling venture. After a few years of trying to figure out how to live life with the female species (emphasis on “trying”) and cultivating our marraige, we decided it was time to multiply. We turned our family into a family of 5.

This might seem obvious, but raising a family is HARD. Don’t ever believe those social media posts you see of your friends and their kids dressed nicely and smiling sweetly for a photo. That one photo is part of a much larger story involving clothing mishaps, last minute hair fixes, ringing eardrums from screaming 5 seconds before, multiple bags of fruit snacks and goldfish, and possibly some photoshop after the fact for the red tear soaked cheeks of the toddler whose nap time was 45 minutes ago.

There’s nothing pleasurable about changing pee-filled sheets at 3am, paying for broken car door handles, constantly cleaning up, feeling guilty for yelling and getting upset, or intensely worrying while you sit in a hospital room watching the doctor sew up a large gash in their forehead.

But I’m not talking about pleasure. I’m talking about fulfillment.

And while those examples of life experiences with children are difficult, stressful, and often heart-wrenching, they are absolutely fulfilling. Maybe not in the moment, but as part of the bigger picture of what it means to truly love and serve someone through those experiences. This loving bond that forms can never be broken.

There is no greater feeling of fulfillment in life than the love for a spouse and children. The intense service rendered in the name of family is the water and sunlight for a seed, the sweat and soreness for strength, and the matches and lighter fluid for a raging bonfire.

I’ve still got quite a ways to go with my own family. But whatever it is we go through, I know that the fulfillment we find in the love we share for each other will empower us to get through whatever comes our way.

Fulfillment in learning. Fulfillment in relationships. Fulfillment in love. There are many other things in my life that bring me fulfillment, but none quite like these. Family is constant. Family is forever.

Family is everything.

Mahalo wau i koʻu ʻohana.

Yes perhaps as I ponder events of the day, Then as long as I can without wavering say, “The best that I could with the time that I had,” Is fulfilling enough and sufficiently glad.

It seems there is not enough time in the day,
To say all the things that I wanted to say,
To do all the things that I planned in my head,
It’s midnight by now and the day is long dead.

I stretch and I learn and I listen and heal,
I love and I laugh and I cry and I feel,
I “bring home the bacon” as they often may say,
But perhaps they’re mistaken, this devious phrase,

My duty as father, as husband, as friend,
Fulfilling the tasks to provide and to fend,
Protecting and serving my loved ones until,
All their heads rest in silence on top of their pillow,

I look at my watch and my mind scurries ‘bout,
I’m now asking myself what can I do without?
Is it dishes? Or music? Or reading a book?
Or lay on the couch with a destitute look?

Who decided the length of the time of the day?
Who convened and unanimously voted yay?
“Oh it’s plenty of time” perhaps somebody spoke,
Were they mad or maliciously cracking a joke?

Or maybe they knew in the depths of their mind,
At the end of the day they’ll be tasks left behind,
They’ll be dishes stacked high, or a book left unread,
Or that musical tune will just stay in your head,

Yes perhaps as I ponder events of the day,
Then as long as I can without wavering say,
“The best that I could with the time that I had,”
Is fulfilling enough and sufficiently glad.

And my head on my pillow in silence of night,
Just the glow of my phone and the hallway dim light,
I think of a joke that my son said today,
I smile to myself as my mind slips away,

Time in the day? What concern is that of mine?
All I need is just a few precious moments,
Moments in time.

When approaching the goal and prepping for a shot, it is more important to accurately place the ball where you want it to go rather than just kick it as hard as you can at the goal.

The first sport we ever enrolled our kids into was T-ball. Zoe was 6 and Jett was 4.

I remember standing around Jett in the outfield during his first practice teaching him that when the ball was hit, his job was to go get the ball and throw it to first. Some teammates took turns practicing hitting the ball, and the a remaining hoard of fellow teammates in the outfield would all rush to the ball once it was hit. Whoever got it would throw it to 1st (sometimes it turned into a bit of a wrestling match to get the ball😂). We engrained it in Jett’s head: Get the ball, throw it to first. Get the ball, throw it to first. It didn’t take him long to figure it out. That’s my boy!

Then it was time to practice hitting off the tee. The coach places his feet in the correct position, shows him how to hold the bat, and instructs him to swing at the ball. Wham! Jett nails it! The coach and I start saying “Go Jett go!!”

So, Jett does as he was taught: Go get the ball, throw it to first!

Whoops.

The coach stops him before he throws it to first and we all laugh to ourselves as we realize our failure in properly instructing him what to do when hitting the ball.

I’ve said this before, but I love watching my kids play sports. It is one of the most rewarding experiences so far as a parent. If you read my most recent post, you’ll recall that this same Jett has taken quite a liking to sports, especially football, which has its own set of complicated rules for children to learn. I never played football as a kid, so it’s been interesting watching coaches teach children all of the many rules involved.

For a child playing a new sport, it’s exciting and challenging! They’re out there learning a new thing they’ve never done before and learning how to work together as a team to accomplish a goal. At first it can be quite confusing, but once it clicks and they start succeeding, it can be very fulfilling.

Soccer

One of the most common sports that parents put their kids in is soccer. The rules of soccer are fairly simple for kids: No touching the ball with you hands, kick the ball into that goal. Obviously there are more rules than that, but for small children starting out, that’s pretty much the only rules they remember (even then, the “no hands” rule is loosely followed for little ones!)

Watching young children play soccer can be wildly entertaining. Typically a hoard of children from both teams constantly follows the ball, like a herd of cats chasing a laser pointer, each kid trying to kick it the general direction of the opposite goal. These young children have it tough. Not only do they have to play against kids on the other team, but often it seems they are fighting their own teammates for the ball as well!

Now soccer was my main sport growing up. I loved it. I played it constantly. I knew all the rules and worked hard to improve my skills. Around the age of 12, I made it on to a competitive soccer team: Chugiak Soccer Club (CSC), in my community of Eagle River, Alaska. I made a lot of friends and great memories on this soccer team.

At one point, we had a German coach whose name escapes me, but he was a wonderful coach. He spent a lot of time with us running drills, practicing our shots, and telling us everything he could to help us improve individually and as a team. Of everything he taught us, there is one phrase I’ll never forget that he used to repeat over and over in regards to shooting the ball in the goal. He would say in his heavy German accent:

“Placement over power”

This meant that when approaching the goal and prepping for a shot, it is more important to accurately place the ball where you want it to go rather than just kick it as hard as you can at the goal.

In my own experience playing soccer, in my experience of watching others play soccer, and even occasionally in watching professional soccer, I have witnessed what happens when this advice is not followed. Often a powerful shot flies up and over the goal, or out of control straight towards the goalie. I used to struggle with this all the time. In the heat of the moment, in the excitement of a breakaway, you just kick the ball as hard as you can and hope it goes in! Then I’d stand back and wonder how I could have kicked the ball over the goal when I was 5 feet in front of it, or how out of all the open goal spaces I could have kicked the ball into, I just had to kick it straight at the goalie…

Training myself to value a properly placed and accurately shot ball over a powerful fast kick, was a skill that had to be learned.

Goal Setting Takes Practice

When it comes to goal setting, I try to visualize my “goal.” The actual width of a professional soccer goal is 24 feet wide. But if I’m actually wanting to score, I can’t just shoot towards that wide opening and hope the ball goes in (keep in mind there’s a goalie!). Instead, my target within that goal must be much smaller and then accurately executed. I’m no professional althelte by any means, but I think that most soccer players would agree that aiming towards a lower or upper corner is ideal for scoring, a task that can be quite difficult to accomplish without a lot of practice.

Now this isn’t to say that just because you lack training and practice means that you don’t take shots. As the great philospher, Michael Scott, once said:

“‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’-Wayne Gretzkey” -Michael Scott😁

For heaven’s sake, if you’re headed towards the goal and you have the opportunity, practice or no practice, take the shot! Ready or not here you go! That’s actually your best learning moment, your best training opportunity.

But placement over power is a better “goal” executing strategy, and not just for soccer.

When it comes to setting goals, I’m not great at it myself. New Years rolls around, I write down a few goals or things I’d like to accomplish, that lasts for a few weeks, and then it’s back to normal life. And the problem is, my goals tend to be too widely set, too broad or too vague. I don’t plan a strategy for execution. I loose motivation. I hope I’m not the only one that feels this way.

However the few times in my life that I’ve set a goal, made a plan, and executed that plan, those moments feel amazing. Just like scoring a soccer goal!

My Triathlon

My triathlon last month is a good example of this. The nice thing about something like a triathlon is that there is a set date and set amount of money I pay for the event. This is motivating for me. So I made a plan-

Mondays I ran.

Tuesdays I biked.

Wednesdays I rested.

Thursdays I swam.

Fridays I ran.

Saturdays I biked.

Sundays I rested.

I wasn’t perfect at it, but for the most part I followed this schedule. As it got closer, I was worried I wouldn’t be ready, especially for the swim (See my post from last month about that!). But when race day came, although it was very tough and my time wasn’t great, I did it! The feeling was exhilarating! I was very proud of myself for setting a goal, planning how to accomplish that goal, and executing it.

I suppose I could have POWERED through it. I could have neglected training and practice and when race day came just hit it as hard as I could and hoped for the best. But I doubt I would have succeeded, or even finished.

Sometimes no matter what you do, the goalie is just too good and will still block your shot. The obstacles are just too great and you won’t quite acheive your goal. Your carefully laid plans get ruined. The world sometimes has a way of making this happen. And thats good practice too. But properly placed, planned, and executed goals will have an increased probability of success.

I hope some day I can run into my old German soccer coach again and thank him for the life-long impactful lesson of placement over power.

In the mean time, as I cheer from the sidelines, I’ll keep enjoying watching my kids take their shots, however those shots turn out.